Episode One, Season Three.
By DJ Undacut.
Bam, we back in it like we never left.
How dope is it when a show starts with just creepy noise on the soundtrack and black on the screen? Game of Thrones did it to ring in the new season and I loved it. Fat Sam is running like he’s late for dinner and we’re scratching our heads like, ‘huh? What? Where we at?” The Night’s Watch has just gone through some shit obviously but we don’t know what for (well we kind’a know. Zombies you bitches!). That first scene made the hairs on my neck salute because it reminded me of the first scene of the very first season, when some Brothers of the Night’s Watch run into weirdos with blue eyes and we didn’t know what the hell was going on but we knew we were intrigued.
So, after a long hiatus Game of Thrones is back and everybody is horney for it. We all need something good because there still ain't shit on TV. We would go to the movies but all they got is dipshit James Franco in Spring Breakers in one theater and dumb shit James Franco in a bullshit Wizard of Oz in the other and we don’t give a flying rat’s ass about either of ‘em.
HBO needs some good shit bad right now, because you know what? Phil Spector did not cut it Home Box Office, that shit sucked. Written and directed by David Mamet: still sucked. Starred Helen Mirren: still sucked. Starred Tony Montana is some of the wackiest Nicky Minaj meets Mozart wigs and it STILL sucked. Nothing like some dragon’s breath to just clear all the bullshit away.
Within the first ten minutes of Season Three’s first episode we got one of the best scenes ever with your boy Tierrion getting told by Poppa Lannister just how much he hates his own halfling son. Some harsh shit right there. Infact, that kind of made me wince more than when the slave master cuts off another man’s nipple. Let’s hear it for Charles Dance people! Nobody could have pulled off a better Tywin Lannister and without a good Tywin then this show just ain't gonna float, feel me?
Has the show ever looked so pretty by the way? Maybe it was this dank but the scenes shot in the harbors of Kings Landing were off the chain. Long rocky battlements surrounded by a vast blue ocean, that’s my shit. Especially after I have my bowl of grapes.
Seeing these characters interacting again was like seeing your best friends at school after a long summer. Call me a sick bastard but Queen Cersei still turns me on, especially when she’s at her coldest, plotting someone’s demise. Davos is my dog and is finally becoming the defined character that he is in the book. And it’s always good to see little Miss Dragon pants Daenerys Targaryen hanging out with her fire breathing pitbull pups.
You know who Ser Jorah Mormont reminds me of in this show? Roger Moore, for real. Which is way off. In the books he’s this big hairy dude (he’s called The Bear for pity’s sake) but on the show he’s James Bond from the 70’s. Either way it was good to see him again too.
It really is some shit to watch how the show creates the same situations and characters from the book but in a quicker and simpler way. I know haters be hating but I can’t. I like how David Benioff and D.B. Weiss pull off the world without going into mad detail and getting bogged down. They nail all the little things that are so essential to this series, the main points that make the characters of the Seven Kingdoms come alive.
I gotta say though: I feel bad for all you newcomers trying to jump into the show without seeing the first two seasons or reading the books. For you it must of been like: “Hmm, well those actors seem good,” and “Oh wow, that’s a pretty shot of an ocean” but overall you must have been like: “God damn this is some boring ass shit!” All we really had this episode were some one on one scenes between characters with dialogue. There were about five seconds of dragons, the nipple chop, and Bronn about to get his dick wet, but other that, not much action and very little sex.
So what are you waiting for?? Get streaming or DVD’ing and catch your ass up on the world of GOT because shit is about to go down. And don’t sleep on the books! My man RR made everything you're seeing up in his mind, years before Sean Bean ever bent over for a head chop. Get it cracking!
See you next week.
04-01-13
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