Watch The Thrones, Week Five

The following is the transcript of a conversation that took place in Richmond California around 10pm on April 28th 2013 between staff contributors DJ Undacut and Dublin.

UC: Hot damn! The Lannisters are one fucked up family.

D: Tywin Lannister is the original gangster of the Seven Kingdoms.

UC: How good was the last scene of the episode?

D: Amazing. Cersei is sitting there just so God damned pleased with herself because Tyrion is getting forced to marry Sansa and then, bam! Daddy has something in the cards for her too.

UC: What’s his name (Charles Dance) kills every scene he does. He was ill from the jump when he was skinning that big ass beast in Season One. What else has he been in?

D: A lot. I can't really think of anything right now though.

UC: There was a lot of bloody stump action in this episode too.

D: That's true. A lot of close ups of Jaimie's stump. Which is pretty gross but not as gross as those dead baby’s floating around in Stannis’s castle.

UC: What was that about? Did I miss that in the books?

D: I don’t think so. I think that’s something HBO wanted to add.

UC: Like all the gay sex! In case we forgot that the Knight of Flowers prefers dudes, they throw in a scene where he’s getting some squire action.

D: That squire was one of Littlefinger’s snitches. They wanted to establish that he was digging up dirt on the Tyrells.

UC: Again, not in the book. And so what if Littlefinger is digging up dirt? That scene was just there so they can hit their man on man quota.

D: We also got a good chunk of man on woman action with Jon Snow and Ygritte.

UC: She’s kissed by fire.

D: I think they call it touched by fire.

UC: Whatever. At least they finally got to it. Jon Snow has had some serious blue balls for almost a season and a half.

D: It was sort of odd the way they got right to it. It seemed like Mackenzie Cook suggested that she wanted to do Jon Snow and that’s when Ygritte realized that she did indeed want to do Jon Snow. So off to the love cave they went.

UC: I like that Ygritte didn’t have a bomb ass body like Daenerys or Rose. She’s kind of skinny and run down looking.

D: She’s a wildling.

UC: Let’s get back to my favorite scene, the Lannister Sunday dinner.

D: It was more like a business meeting.

UC: And dude! The whole idea of Tyrion marrying Sansa is so out. That’s something only Tywin could come up with.

D: Alien 3.

UC: Huh?

D: That’s what Charles Dance was in. Alien 3.

UC: Oh word? I thought you were getting back to those babies in their jars again.

D: No. I’m really glad that Cersei got a bad deal too. I hated that she was sitting there grinning at Tyrion, enjoying that he was being forced to marry.

UC: And she has to marry the Knight of Flowers. She’s so fine she might make Loras change teams.

D: Lena Headey is a beautiful woman.

UC: Dude! Lena Headey is fine! Hella fine! If I was married to my true love, the most perfect woman that I could ever be matched up with, and we had four beautiful kids that were good at sports and excelled at school and I had a perfect life in a big ass house? I would leave it all! Just so I could have an extended hug with Lena Headey.

D: Can we talk about a scene I liked?

UC: Go for it.

D: It was the one between Jaime and Brienne, where he describes when he killed the Mad King and hence, was given the name Kingslayer.

UC: I thought it was alright.

D: Really? I thought they both killed it. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is stepping it up this season.

UC: Yeah, but the end of the scene was hella cheesy. She yells for somebody to come help the Kingslayer and he says: “Jaime. My name is Jaime.”

D: I liked it.

UC: You know who's getting on my nerves? Jorah Mormont.

D: Me too kind of.

UC: He’s so fucking sensitive. And jealous. Plus, the actor just doesn’t fit the character from the book.

D: That’s true. He’s a little too Roger Moore.

UC: I figure since we didn’t get much Daenerys this episode she’s going to dominate the next one.

D: Maybe. We didn’t talk about Robb and how he’s continuing the proud Stark tradition of chopping off traitor heads with his own sword.

UC: Right. But what happened with that? He chopped that dude’s head and then looked like he hurt his hands doing it?

D: I noticed that too. I’m not really sure what it meant. Maybe that he’s not as tough as Ned?

UC: Ned could chop the shit out of head. Like a hot knife in butter.

D: Until he got his own head chopped.

UC: True.

D: See you next week.

UC: Peace man.

Transcribed by Hazel Goodman for Ear Font Transcriptions. 04-28-13