Every now and then you come across someone who is disturbingly balanced. You run into each other and you say the arbitrary “How are you,” and they reply “I’m really good,” and they mean it, I mean really truly mean it.
What is the secret?
After a series of questions and intense prying I usually find the most common factor being a true satisfaction with one’s career, or at least a credible pursuit towards the stated goal of a career.
For me, and many people like me, work is simply a means to earn money to then pay for distractions like drugs and alcohol to, help us forget about work. The idea of a meaningful career is foreign, nothing but the pursuit of yuppies and wannabe yuppie scum. The “balanced” types, the folks who say they are doing “really good” and mean it, have found careers where they not only work for money but also find the experience of work rewarding. Many times these careers involve helping other people by working in medicine, or community activism. Others get involved in education, working with youth, or the disabled and seniors. They put other people first while earning a paycheck, it’s odd.
While I’m not one to jump up and suddenly start helping perfect strangers who probably don’t deserve help, it does get me thinking: what kind of career would I want to pursue if I really gave a shit? The answer hit me a few weeks back when I was reading the paper.
Baseball star Ryan Braun was popped last month (along with a good number of other major league baseball players) for using performance enhancing drugs. He had his season with the Milwaukee Brewers cut short. I was reading the paper when I came across a “statement” he released regarding his suspension which reads as follows:
“As I have acknowledged in the past, I am not perfect. I realize now that I have made some mistakes. I am willing to accept the consequences of those actions. This situation has taken a toll on me and my entire family, and it is has been a distraction to my teammates and the Brewers organization. I am very grateful for the support I have received from players, ownership and the fans in Milwaukee and around the country. Finally, I wish to apologize to anyone I may have disappointed—all of the baseball fans especially those in Milwaukee, the great Brewers organization, and my teammates. I am glad to have this matter behind me once and for all, and I cannot wait to get back to the game I love.”
I enjoyed every sentence of this “statement”, a lesson in bold horse shit if ever there was one. We are to believe that Mr. Braun himself sat down and composed this “apology”? The same guy who rode the high horse and smirked after some jerk mishandled his urine last time Major League Baseball was looking to take him down? C’mon. Someone in an office somewhere was paid to sit at a desk and put this together, then distribute it to the masses while keeping a straight face. I realized while reading it that I would very much enjoy being that guy, the guy up in the office writing these statements. I wouldn't mind pursuing a career as a Celebrity Apologist (I guess that's what you call it).
This sort of work is fiction writing really, which I’m interested in, but it’s also skirting and ducking the real issues and covering those issues with dirt by “moving on”, which I find liberating. Even better, I think it's good to point the finger in another direction, throw up a "smoke screen" over the celebrity's wrong doing. I feel like these sort of things can be written for any infamous person, and with the right touch, can be effective. Here are a few samples of the public statements I would like to pen:
Anthony Weiner AKA Carlos Danger - Disgraced Politician
As I’m sure you can imagine, the day to day stresses of American politics can be taxing to the human psyche. It is only natural that a person be allowed to blow off steam. Without the cathartic release of negative energy and built up frustrations, a man can go mad. When you have a powerful person, a person with real responsibilities, like myself, madness can cause damage to the people I represent and the very fabric of society itself. It is not safe.
I release my stresses by texting women pictures of my genitals. Others blow off steam by taking part in dog fighting or in doing drugs. Dog fighting is a terrible past time and meth is destroying entire rungs of our populations, I am against those. Sexting does not harm innocent animals. Stand with me now and stand up against dogfighting and meth. Thank you.
Alex Rodriguez - Another Disgraced Baseball Player
Before I am a baseball player or a multimillionaire, I am simply a man. A man like any other man, who ages over time and becomes only a husk of what he once was. With this ageing body I am asked to do the impossible: hit major league pitching. Could you hit a pitch thrown by a major leaguer? I doubt it. I can barely do it and I’m pumped up on Performance Enhancing Drugs.
Speaking of drugs that enhance your performance: what about Viagra? If I can’t take a drug to help me hit a ball then all you men out there who boo me from the stands can’t take a drug to hit your wife. You want to take my name off the record books, erase my accomplishments from history? Fine, go ahead. But check this out: if my home run doesn’t count -your wife’s orgasam doesn’t count.
Either way, I would like to apologize to all the baseball fans and everyone I have let down. Thank you.
Ariel Castro - Cleveland Kidnapper:
We all make mistakes. I made one when I kidnapped those young women and held them against their will. But let me ask you: what kind of a world do we live in? I see a world where every waking moment is filled with pornography, even in advertising, and I see myself simply as a product of that world, not the monster that the media makes me out to be. If I am only a reflection of our world than could my actions not be the world’s fault instead of my own personal mistakes? Something to think about.
Either way, I would like to apologize to everyone everywhere. Thank you.
08-12-13
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