Watch The Thrones, Week Five

The following is the transcript of a conversation that took place in Richmond California around 10pm on April 28th 2013 between staff contributors DJ Undacut and Dublin.

UC: Hot damn! The Lannisters are one fucked up family.

D: Tywin Lannister is the original gangster of the Seven Kingdoms.

UC: How good was the last scene of the episode?

D: Amazing. Cersei is sitting there just so God damned pleased with herself because Tyrion is getting forced to marry Sansa and then, bam! Daddy has something in the cards for her too.

UC: What’s his name (Charles Dance) kills every scene he does. He was ill from the jump when he was skinning that big ass beast in Season One. What else has he been in?

D: A lot. I can't really think of anything right now though.

UC: There was a lot of bloody stump action in this episode too.

D: That's true. A lot of close ups of Jaimie's stump. Which is pretty gross but not as gross as those dead baby’s floating around in Stannis’s castle.

UC: What was that about? Did I miss that in the books?

D: I don’t think so. I think that’s something HBO wanted to add.

UC: Like all the gay sex! In case we forgot that the Knight of Flowers prefers dudes, they throw in a scene where he’s getting some squire action.

D: That squire was one of Littlefinger’s snitches. They wanted to establish that he was digging up dirt on the Tyrells.

UC: Again, not in the book. And so what if Littlefinger is digging up dirt? That scene was just there so they can hit their man on man quota.

D: We also got a good chunk of man on woman action with Jon Snow and Ygritte.

UC: She’s kissed by fire.

D: I think they call it touched by fire.

UC: Whatever. At least they finally got to it. Jon Snow has had some serious blue balls for almost a season and a half.

D: It was sort of odd the way they got right to it. It seemed like Mackenzie Cook suggested that she wanted to do Jon Snow and that’s when Ygritte realized that she did indeed want to do Jon Snow. So off to the love cave they went.

UC: I like that Ygritte didn’t have a bomb ass body like Daenerys or Rose. She’s kind of skinny and run down looking.

D: She’s a wildling.

UC: Let’s get back to my favorite scene, the Lannister Sunday dinner.

D: It was more like a business meeting.

UC: And dude! The whole idea of Tyrion marrying Sansa is so out. That’s something only Tywin could come up with.

D: Alien 3.

UC: Huh?

D: That’s what Charles Dance was in. Alien 3.

UC: Oh word? I thought you were getting back to those babies in their jars again.

D: No. I’m really glad that Cersei got a bad deal too. I hated that she was sitting there grinning at Tyrion, enjoying that he was being forced to marry.

UC: And she has to marry the Knight of Flowers. She’s so fine she might make Loras change teams.

D: Lena Headey is a beautiful woman.

UC: Dude! Lena Headey is fine! Hella fine! If I was married to my true love, the most perfect woman that I could ever be matched up with, and we had four beautiful kids that were good at sports and excelled at school and I had a perfect life in a big ass house? I would leave it all! Just so I could have an extended hug with Lena Headey.

D: Can we talk about a scene I liked?

UC: Go for it.

D: It was the one between Jaime and Brienne, where he describes when he killed the Mad King and hence, was given the name Kingslayer.

UC: I thought it was alright.

D: Really? I thought they both killed it. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is stepping it up this season.

UC: Yeah, but the end of the scene was hella cheesy. She yells for somebody to come help the Kingslayer and he says: “Jaime. My name is Jaime.”

D: I liked it.

UC: You know who's getting on my nerves? Jorah Mormont.

D: Me too kind of.

UC: He’s so fucking sensitive. And jealous. Plus, the actor just doesn’t fit the character from the book.

D: That’s true. He’s a little too Roger Moore.

UC: I figure since we didn’t get much Daenerys this episode she’s going to dominate the next one.

D: Maybe. We didn’t talk about Robb and how he’s continuing the proud Stark tradition of chopping off traitor heads with his own sword.

UC: Right. But what happened with that? He chopped that dude’s head and then looked like he hurt his hands doing it?

D: I noticed that too. I’m not really sure what it meant. Maybe that he’s not as tough as Ned?

UC: Ned could chop the shit out of head. Like a hot knife in butter.

D: Until he got his own head chopped.

UC: True.

D: See you next week.

UC: Peace man.

Transcribed by Hazel Goodman for Ear Font Transcriptions. 04-28-13

Watch The Thrones, Week 4

Episode 4, Season 3

For this installment DJ Undacut posted a series of messages between Dublin and himself.

UC: Well, that was pretty much the most badass thing I've ever seen on television.

D: Daenerys is coming into her own. Big time.

UC: I actually jumped for joy when the little dragon lit up that bald asshole who sold her The Unsullied. I love this show!

D: I didn't move. I was rapt. I was curious if they were going to be able to pull off that part as good as it is in the book. They nailed it.

UC: Jorah and Barristan had to just stand there and react the whole time. Mad facial expressions

D: The music they played through the scene pumped up the tension too.

UC: We can't just talk about that scene. Other shit?.

D: Was there? I kind of thought Daenerys getting her army was the only thing that really went down this episode.

UC: A lot of Varys in this one.

D: And I like Varys. But I'm not that interested in what he's scheming about.

UC: It doesn't compare to Daenerys getting an army. Fa sho.

D: What is Margaery up to?

UC: Don’t have a clue. Do you think she actually likes Joffery?

D: No. In fact, that scene where she gets him to open the doors to the people? I thought she was setting him up for assassination.

UC: I feel that. I hoped for that!

D: What did you think of the Black Watch boys going off the deep end?

UC: It bummed me out. The Bear shouldn't have to go out like that, getting stabbed to death by his own men.

D: That was a bummer. A lot of blood bubbling up out of mouths too.

UC: I guess you get stabbed in the back and the blood comes out of your mouth?

D: It was a depressing because these are the guys that are supposed to protect the kingdom and they chop each other to bits from paranoia and hunger.

UC: Fuck Craster though. I’m glad he got his.

D: What are you looking for next week?

UC: Some shit from Robb for one. All he’s done is brood and chew people out. It’s time he whooped some ass.

D: They’re really putting Jaime Lannister through it aren't they? To make us feel bad for him?

UC: Straight up. They’re putting him through some “Passion of the Christ” shit. I guess it's so Brienne will feel bad for him.

D: He did save her from getting raped.

UC: Sure. But the guy's a prick. I don’t care if he gets whooped on.

D: I do like Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. He plays Jamie really well.

UC: He’s hella good. Still a prick tho. See you.

D: Bye.

Right Wing Bumper Stickers

It's a clear day, the traffic is moving. My car is old and cheap to begin with but the windows are down with the stereo loud and I feel as important as the anyone else. We're all on the bridge together with the water blue and alive below us, the sun feeling close at 93 million miles, the spring air fresh and young.

There's a truck in front of me a couple of cars, a new truck, brand new, and I'm mildly surprised when I see bumper stickers plastered all over the back of the cab. The biggest sticker is bright red white and blue, an election sticker. The name on the sticker is Reagan, big white letters laid evenly into the colors that never run. It's bigger than any actual bumper sticker, a statement, and it’s clever, pining for a time in the driver’s mind that never actually existed some thirty years ago.

There’s another sticker below the Reagan sticker, this one just simple black and white. It’s another parody sticker, made to look like an NBA or MLB logo, with the silhouette of a man, but instead of the man bouncing a basketball or handling a bat, he’s aiming a rifle. The rifle has a long scope, and the man is looking into it, like a long range hunter, or an assassin aiming into Dealey Plaza on November 22nd, 1963.

The sticker on the truck works on many levels. It’s clever, lampooning the corporate logos of popular sports. It’s hip, much more hip than other anti-gun control stickers like the NRA logo or a Charlton Heston quote. It’s also subtly threatening, the man could be possibly aiming his gun at a deer, or a duck, or possibly a politician voting for stricter regulations on guns.

A number of American politicians have been shot in our history, probably the most famous being John F Kennedy when he was shot in the head by a high powered rifle in Dallas. While there are disagreements about the true nature of Kennedy’s assassination, from the reasons why to how many shooters were involved, everyone does agree that Kennedy died and that a gun was the means.  Gabby Giffords is the most recent high profile politician to be shot. She was shot in the head by a mentally disturbed man and still survived.

Another politician that survived being shot was Ronald Reagan. He was walking out of a Hilton in Washington DC when he got shot March 30th, 1981, along with a cop, a secret service agent, and his press secretary. It wasn’t a sniper rifle with a long range scope that wounded them but a .22 caliber Rohm RG-13 revolver. The shooter was a mentally disturbed man obsessed with Jodie Foster. Everyone who was shot that day ultimately survived, although Reagan’s press secretary was permanently paralyzed. He went on to sponsor and push a bill through congress called the Brady Bill that required background checks for all firearm sales by federally licensed gun dealers.  

I wonder if the driver of the truck knows this. I wonder if he really knows much of anything about Ronald Reagan beyond the myths that have grown up around the name and image over the years. I wonder if the driver of the truck has ever had a gun aimed at him, or been shot by a gun, or had a family member or friend killed or injured by a gun. I wonder if the driver of the truck really thinks a gun is the thing that will protect him when a government come to crush his rights and well being. I wonder if the driver has really thought it all through.

By now the truck has disappeared beyond the other cars as traffic slows down around the S curve of the bridge. It’s spring and I have better things to ponder, turning the radio to the baseball game.

Watch The Thrones, Week 3

Episode 3, Season 3

For this installment DJ Undacut again posted a series of text messages between Dublin and himself.

UC: They sure know how to do an ending on that show.

D: You remembered what was coming right?

UC: Yes, and that made it hella worse.

D: The book was unmerciful when Jaime Lannister got his wing clipped. I remember the chapter just ended with "and then Jaime screamed" without saying what happened.

UC: Yes! I was disturbed. I thought they cut his dick off and made him into the new Varys.

D: My friend said they did in a way. His sword hand was his manhood sort of. It was all he was.

UC: The show did it mad brutal.

D: The scene was so well crafted. There were many scenes that were well done but that one was a masterpiece.

UC: It was longer than the rest and the suspense just built. It was like a Tarantino scene.

D: It was in a way. What other scenes did you like?

UC: The first one. The whole flaming arrow bit was great.

D: Yes, great way to introduce both Black Fish and Cat's brother.

UC: Word. It had humor too.

D: It was a classic GOT scene because it took a cliche from fantasy and medieval movies, the funeral of the king or whatever, and flipped it. While still pushing the story along and introducing new characters.

UC: That's word. I liked the meeting of the council.

D: Of course! When was the last time we saw Varys, Little Finger, Tyrion, and Cersei together?

UC: With Tywin? Never ever homie. The moving of the chairs was dope.

D: It was. Daenerys is slowly becoming a tough little queen.

UC: I like when they have all these thick ass plot lines in one episode. That can't be easy.

D: We never talk about Jon Snow.

UC: I don't think he showed up last week. Plus- he's kind of boring.

D: Do you like Mance Rayder, King of the Wildlings?

UC: Not really. He's not impressive. The King Beyond the Wall needs to be a straight bad ass and while I like Ciaran Hinds, he ain't no bad ass. They should have cast Kurt Russell.

D: I think that would have been distracting. That whole thing with the White Walkers making "art" out of the horse parts was super trippy and terrifying. I don't think that was in the books.

UC: That was fucking gross. That was like The Godfather times 1,000. Speaking of gross, Theon again?

D: That was odd.

UC: What up? He's not supposed to even be there. What's with that whole escape thing?

D: Actually, I have a theory. It think this is the series way of introducing the sick relationship between him and the Bastard of Bolton.

UC: Oh shit!! Dude even said "you little bastard" before getting his wig split.

D: I love this show.

UC: Me too homie. This was a bomb ass episode.

D: I agree. Talk to you next week.