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| "I love Charlize Theron. From 'Monster' to 'Arrested Development' she's the best. She can't save this one though." |
By: Robert Fong
Let's get something straight right off the bat. I fucking love Alien. For me, before Star Trek, before Blade Runner, before even Star Wars, comes Alien. Every moment of that film is genius: from the slow tracking shots of the ship, to the blue collar mentality of the crew, to the horribly disturbing art design of H.R. Geiger; everything in the 1979 classic clicks right into place. Now, in 2012 Ridley Scott decides that he should take a break from historical dramas with Russell Crowe and make an Alien prequel? We'll take it. In fact we'll mark the days off the fucking calendar until it comes out and then we'll go see it in 3D, slightly aroused.
Then we'll watch it. The first hour we'll enjoy. We'll watch some weird shit with a giant albino committing suicide with some black goo, we'll watch a couple of hipster scientists find some cave paintings, we''ll watch an android shoot hoops while waiting to reach his destination, and we'll happily watch some folks wake up from hyper sleep. All good. We won't even let some annoying Limey with a Mohawk bother us because we know this is the maker of Alien, a certifiable genius.
We'll enjoy ourselves as the space expedition, which includes the hipster scientists, finds some sort of temple on an alien planet where it's believed our "creators" (aka, the albino from the beginning) dwell. Things get creepy as the crew explores the temple where holograms run around acting funny and the Limey continues to annoy us (why is he here? Oh, he's a geologist. Then why the fuck does he act like a creepy soccer hooligan for the first 45 mins? Why would you hire this dick when you're looking to discover the origin of human life?)
At one point the carcass of one of the creators is discovered and we become very aroused when we realize that the helmet this creature wears matches that of the "navigator" from the original Alien. Holy shit.
Then we all become very bored as nothing really happens. We spend a half hour watching one of the hipster scientists get drunk. We suppose it's because he's disappointed by the expedition because they haven't found any clear answers but we don't know for sure because this part is played by Logan Marshall-Green who is a shitty fucking actor and needs to quit. He is so bad that it reflects onto Ridley Scott. Mr Scott, why did you have this actor giggle after every line he read? Not only did he come off like a fucking idiot it made me start to wish that he was killed ASAP (which luckily he does, spoiler alert). After drinking a bottle of vodka to the head Marshall-Green sleeps with the other scientist, also his lover, played by Noomi Rapace, who I'm sorry to say, pretty much sucks too.
After getting dosed with the same black goo that killed the giant albino at the beginning, the drunk dumb shit scientist knocks up the other scientist played by Rapace and within just a few hours a nasty little sea slug of a creature is growing inside her body. She realizes this right away. The android David (played by Michael Fassbender, who does not suck, but who's character makes no sense) seems to want this alien baby to be born. Rapace's character on the other hand does not wish to spawn so she uses a futuristic surgery machine to perform her own cesarean on herself (by far the most hardcore, and in other words best scene of the movie). After that the movie really goes off the tracks and becomes fucking ridiculous.
Character die, come back to life, act out, all for no apparent reason. A twist pops up that is supposed to blow your mind but doesn't really, because it's just sort of stupid. Then the ultimate sin is committed. In a movie that is all pulse pounding mystery and unanswered questions we do not get these questions answered by being shown (this is a movie, the story is supposed to be shown to us right?), instead we get a character walking into a room and explaining everything that is happening. Are you fucking kidding me? Why? Who the fuck? They guy just comes in the room and breaks the whole fucking thing down, no explanation to how he figured it out or anything. It's truly unforgivable. The fact that this character is played by Idris Elba (acclaimed actor from The Wire and Luther) just adds insult to injury. Fuck you Ridley.
Some other stuff happens (including an amazing space ship crash on the surface of the planet, but I can't recommend this movie just based on that) but by the end I am no longer aroused, I am flacid and uninspired. The big thing is the characters. In Alien we had working class miners, pulled down to a planet and put in contact with a ruthless predator that they desperately try to deal with. In Aliens we had some tough as nails space marines that were all guts and glory until the aliens turned them into mince meat (I love Bill Paxton in that movie. The ultimate douche cry baby). Alien 3 had weirdo jail bird religious fanatics, it was like Alien set in medevil times (I like that movie despite other's reservations. I'm not going to bring up Alien Resurrection because I just don't have the time, plus it's just a tag on). In this movie we have,,,,,,what? An android and a bunch of fucking idiots pretty much?
These people act in strange ways, they say things they shouldn't really know, they make no sense, it's fucking sloppy. I guess a lot of them are just there to die, like the red shirts in Star Trek. But this isn't a 1968 episode of Star Trek, this is a f__king Alien prequel.
No one can hear you sigh sadly in space.
By Robert Fong, 06-07-12. Edited by Margo Wicklow.
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