Kirk & Spock Drop Acid

D.W.F.R by Robert Fong







Let’s start this one off with a little clarification. The name is FONG, not f**king HONG.

There has been a lot of talk on the Internet about my last name changing in these posts and for the record it wasn’t Dublin’s fault although he should have caught it. It was my fault. I spelled my own f**king name wrong. F**k it.

Moving on: I hate Trekkie's and trekkers and all the other God d**n nerds that populate the early morning forums on Saturday mornings talking about how hot the green girl is and how new Spock is way better than old Spock and blah blah blah. They are a bunch of creepy asexual freaks. I’m not saying I’m a f**king Star Wars fan that’s hanging from George Lucas’s n*ts either. I mean “Phantom Menace”?? C’mon! Not one of the Star Trek movies have sucked that f**king bad, s**t. But today we’re going to talk about the one that came close: Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

We all know the seventies was a really f**ked up time. After the free love and all the drugs and the love of the sixties the next decade came down and rained angel dust, bad trips, and Jones Town. That’s how Star Trek: T.M.P. feels after the TV show. The TV show was off the chain: Uhura looking good, Scotty was getting drunk and fighting Klingons, McCoy was staring bug eyed at Nurse Chapel, Spock was getting high off spores and laughing with flowers in his hair, and Captain Kirk…..s**t Captain Kirk was the f**king man.

But now we find them in the seventies and nobody’s happy. It might be because they are wearing the ugliest f**king uniforms you have ever seen besides those f**king horrendous things they were wearing in the first couple seasons of the Next Generation (dude, nothing says 1989 like Captain Picard saying “engage” in his tight ass little uniform. Ugggghh.) Beyond the uniforms, everybody is so f**king serious. Even Kirk, who used to be down to have a laugh on the bridge after kicking some serious a** is acting all weird and discombobulated. Plus, Bill Shattner’s hair had become brown and curly and he has a look on his face like he knows he isn’t fooling a single f**king person (dude wore a piece since the first season in 1966 but at least it looked like his real hair. This s**t looks like a f**king trible on his dome).

McCoy, usually my favorite character, doesn’t have s**t to do but stand around and stare around with those bugged out eyes. And Spock is on some weird Vulcan spirit quest where he bonds with the one enemy the crew faces in the movie: a big a** f**king robot spaceship named Vrger. Can we all say lame together really loud? God d**n!! Whoever wrote the movie was hanging from 2001: A Space Odyssey’s n*ts way too hard. All the shots are slowwwwwwwwww. Kirk takes a shuttle to the Enterprise in the beginning and it takes literally twenty f**king minutes! They could have called the movie Star Trek: Kirk Takes a Shuttle Ride. I’m not kidding. It’s probably the most exciting part of the whole film.

Fans of the show must have been pissed. I mean I wasn’t alive at the time (my mom birthed me in 1988) but I can imagine they came to the theater super juiced to see the Star Trek crew on the big screen doing big things and instead they get this long a** shuttle ride. They must have freaked out! They must have gone f**king ape sh*t! The writers and the producers must have been herded back to their little nerd cave and told to get off the pot, start drinking snake wine, and come up with some real f**king gangsta sh*t.

Luckily for them they did. It’s called Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Kahn and it’s one of the baddest motherf**king space adventures ever filmed. Bob Fong is out. That’s Bob FONG. Not HONG you f**king nerds.

Robert Fong is currently rooting for the Yankees in the play off's and is also working on a one man show entitled "Fong Shway: Confessions of Cinimaphile". No dates have been set for the shows premier at the this time.