Watch The Thrones, Week 3

Episode 3, Season 3

For this installment DJ Undacut again posted a series of text messages between Dublin and himself.

UC: They sure know how to do an ending on that show.

D: You remembered what was coming right?

UC: Yes, and that made it hella worse.

D: The book was unmerciful when Jaime Lannister got his wing clipped. I remember the chapter just ended with "and then Jaime screamed" without saying what happened.

UC: Yes! I was disturbed. I thought they cut his dick off and made him into the new Varys.

D: My friend said they did in a way. His sword hand was his manhood sort of. It was all he was.

UC: The show did it mad brutal.

D: The scene was so well crafted. There were many scenes that were well done but that one was a masterpiece.

UC: It was longer than the rest and the suspense just built. It was like a Tarantino scene.

D: It was in a way. What other scenes did you like?

UC: The first one. The whole flaming arrow bit was great.

D: Yes, great way to introduce both Black Fish and Cat's brother.

UC: Word. It had humor too.

D: It was a classic GOT scene because it took a cliche from fantasy and medieval movies, the funeral of the king or whatever, and flipped it. While still pushing the story along and introducing new characters.

UC: That's word. I liked the meeting of the council.

D: Of course! When was the last time we saw Varys, Little Finger, Tyrion, and Cersei together?

UC: With Tywin? Never ever homie. The moving of the chairs was dope.

D: It was. Daenerys is slowly becoming a tough little queen.

UC: I like when they have all these thick ass plot lines in one episode. That can't be easy.

D: We never talk about Jon Snow.

UC: I don't think he showed up last week. Plus- he's kind of boring.

D: Do you like Mance Rayder, King of the Wildlings?

UC: Not really. He's not impressive. The King Beyond the Wall needs to be a straight bad ass and while I like Ciaran Hinds, he ain't no bad ass. They should have cast Kurt Russell.

D: I think that would have been distracting. That whole thing with the White Walkers making "art" out of the horse parts was super trippy and terrifying. I don't think that was in the books.

UC: That was fucking gross. That was like The Godfather times 1,000. Speaking of gross, Theon again?

D: That was odd.

UC: What up? He's not supposed to even be there. What's with that whole escape thing?

D: Actually, I have a theory. It think this is the series way of introducing the sick relationship between him and the Bastard of Bolton.

UC: Oh shit!! Dude even said "you little bastard" before getting his wig split.

D: I love this show.

UC: Me too homie. This was a bomb ass episode.

D: I agree. Talk to you next week.

Watch The Thrones, Week Two

Episode 2, Season 3

For this installment DJ Undacut decided to post a series of correspondence between Dublin and himself via text message.

D: First of all: “Everybody hates the cave people!”

UC: ??????

D: Nevermind.

UC: You like?

D: Yes. You?

UC: Fa sho. Any episode that got that much Margaery cleavage-I'm on board.

D: A lot of changes from the book right?

UC: ???

D: It's different. The big one for me was the scene between Catelyn and Talisa. Where she tells the story about praying for Jon Snow.

UC: Not in the book?

D: Don’t think so. I think the show wanted to make Cat more likable- they threw that in.

UC: She’s a bitch.

D: She has a rough go of it.

UC: Word up. No one get’s shit on more than Catelyn Stark!

D: I liked that long shot of Sansa when she was questioned about Joffery by Margaery and her grandma. You know what it reminded me of?

UC: ???

D: The Sopranos.

UC: ???

D: Remember that episode where Dr. Melfi got raped and the whole time you're waiting for her to tell Tony so he can dish out some revenge? There’s the same sort of long shot of Melfi after he asks her if she’s alright during a session.

UC: O.K.

D: You want Melfi to tell the truth so bad! In this case Sansa does.

UC: And theTyrells don’t trip. They’re just like: “Joffery’s a monster. Okay.” Like it’s no big deal.

D: The Tyrell’s may be underestimating just how evil that little bastard is.

UC: Or the Tyrell’s are some serious bad ass’s.

D: True. BTW, let’s give a shout out to Jack Gleason for playing Joffery to the hilt. He kills it.

UC: If I was him I would make sure that my agent had some nice guy parts lined up ASAP. Otherwise he’s going to be Joffery for life.

D: He’s that good!

UC: BTW, besides Jack Gleason these kids be getting big.

D: ???

UC: You see Bran? He’s like 35 already.

D: Good point. This season is supposed to be a few weeks or some days since Season 2 and Isaac Wright has gone from kid to young man.

UC: Sansa too. The girl sprouted!

D: I guess so.

UC: Another reason why these books be unfilmable.

D: Don’t say that! I’m loving the Merry Men btw.

UC: ????

D: The Brotherhood. They remind me of Robin and his Merry Men. They did in the books too.

UC: I like the wolves. I want a wolf homie to hang with.

D: Almost forgot. Theon!

UC: What’s he doing there? He’s not supposed to even be around.

D: In the books he wasn’t. The torture scenes were all “off screen”.

UC: I guess HBO can’t resist showing a pick going up someone’s finger nail.

D: A nipple last week, a finger nail this week. What’s next?

UC: We’ll have to wait and see. Peace!

D: Bye.

Watch The Thrones: Week One

Episode One, Season Three.

By DJ Undacut.

Bam, we back in it like we never left.

How dope is it when a show starts with just creepy noise on the soundtrack and black on the screen? Game of Thrones did it to ring in the new season and I loved it. Fat Sam is running like he’s late for dinner and we’re scratching our heads like, ‘huh? What? Where we at?” The Night’s Watch has just gone through some shit obviously but we don’t know what for (well we kind’a know. Zombies you bitches!). That first scene made the hairs on my neck salute because it reminded me of the first scene of the very first season, when some Brothers of the Night’s Watch run into weirdos with blue eyes and we didn’t know what the hell was going on but we knew we were intrigued.

So, after a long hiatus Game of Thrones is back and everybody is horney for it. We all need something good because there still ain't shit on TV. We would go to the movies but all they got is dipshit James Franco in Spring Breakers in one theater and dumb shit James Franco in a bullshit Wizard of Oz in the other and we don’t give a flying rat’s ass about either of ‘em.

HBO needs some good shit bad right now, because you know what? Phil Spector did not cut it Home Box Office, that shit sucked. Written and directed by David Mamet: still sucked. Starred Helen Mirren: still sucked. Starred Tony Montana is some of the wackiest Nicky Minaj meets Mozart wigs and it STILL sucked. Nothing like some dragon’s breath to just clear all the bullshit away.

Within the first ten minutes of Season Three’s first episode we got one of the best scenes ever with your boy Tierrion getting told by Poppa Lannister just how much he hates his own halfling son. Some harsh shit right there. Infact, that kind of made me wince more than when the slave master cuts off another man’s nipple. Let’s hear it for Charles Dance people! Nobody could have pulled off a better Tywin Lannister and without a good Tywin then this show just ain't gonna float, feel me?

Has the show ever looked so pretty by the way? Maybe it was this dank but the scenes shot in the harbors of Kings Landing were off the chain. Long rocky battlements surrounded by a vast blue ocean, that’s my shit. Especially after I have my bowl of grapes.

Seeing these characters interacting again was like seeing your best friends at school after a long summer. Call me a sick bastard but Queen Cersei still turns me on, especially when she’s at her coldest, plotting someone’s demise. Davos is my dog and is finally becoming the defined character that he is in the book. And it’s always good to see little Miss Dragon pants Daenerys Targaryen hanging out with her fire breathing pitbull pups.

You know who Ser Jorah Mormont reminds me of in this show? Roger Moore, for real. Which is way off. In the books he’s this big hairy dude (he’s called The Bear for pity’s sake) but on the show he’s James Bond from the 70’s. Either way it was good to see him again too.

It really is some shit to watch how the show creates the same situations and characters from the book but in a quicker and simpler way. I know haters be hating but I can’t. I like how David Benioff and D.B. Weiss pull off the world without going into mad detail and getting bogged down. They nail all the little things that are so essential to this series, the main points that make the characters of the Seven Kingdoms come alive.

I gotta say though: I feel bad for all you newcomers trying to jump into the show without seeing the first two seasons or reading the books. For you it must of been like: “Hmm, well those actors seem good,” and “Oh wow, that’s a pretty shot of an ocean” but overall you must have been like: “God damn this is some boring ass shit!” All we really had this episode were some one on one scenes between characters with dialogue. There were about five seconds of dragons, the nipple chop, and Bronn about to get his dick wet, but other that, not much action and very little sex.

So what are you waiting for?? Get streaming or DVD’ing and catch your ass up on the world of GOT because shit is about to go down. And don’t sleep on the books! My man RR made everything you're seeing up in his mind, years before Sean Bean ever bent over for a head chop. Get it cracking!

See you next week.

04-01-13