I Wanna Grow Up To Be Kardashian

-by Sam Clemons

There are late depressing nights where I sit alone and think to myself: Is Kim Kardashian the most famous person in the world? Now I can't say how one could even measure such a thing besides traveling the globe and holding up her picture and waiting for a nod or a shake of the head. So, let's simplify: is Kim Kardashian the most famous woman in America? It is with great regret and reluctance that I say I believe she is, or at least, yes, quite possibly.

Now, before you react and assault this blog with letters and e-mails of outrage I want to say that I have evidence. I know many level headed individuals would say: "in the list of famous women it goes: Michelle Obama, Oprah, Lady Gaga, and Angelina Jolie. Kim Kardashian doesn't crack the top three!" I would have agreed with you until this afternoon, when I went to the grocery store.

I was standing in line, waiting to purchase my instant macaroni and fish sticks, when my eye passed over the tabloids that align the shelf before the check out. I saw only one Oprah (she seems to appear less frequently since 2009, I don’t know why, have people become less obsessed with her weight?). There was a Gaga, something about her wild weekend in somewhere or another. There was an Obama, two in fact, one story about her horrible temper, another about her ongoing war on fat people.

Now, and here's some of the evidence I mentioned earlier, Kardashian did not appear on one cover, or even two. She was on FOUR covers in that grocery line.

This made me pause, think back and wonder, what is she famous for again? I believe she’s on a reality show, I hear it mentioned, I’ve never seen it, but I’m aware of it, as you are (don’t deny it). But, let’s travel back a little farther and offer the question as to why she is on a reality show. Is she a chef? Does she have knowledge of something like food, or art, something that she’s an expert in? Was she once famous for something, like acting, or singing, maybe dancing. Was she at least a model for God’s sake?The answer is of course no, she did a sex tape.

I know this because I was in a writer’s group a few years back and everyone was late except for me and the person who was hosting it. We had nothing to do and nothing to talk about it so the woman turned on the TV and a show was on called “For the Love of Ray J”. It was a God awful reality show where a wide variety of tramps tried to seduce a little plump man-child named Ray J, (hence the name) in hopes of “winning”.

I had to ask my host who exactly Ray J was and she explained that he was Brandy’s brother. ‘Brandy?’ I said ‘The singer that had a sitcom something like ten years ago?’ My host nodded and I had to ask how being Brandy’s brother accounted for the amount of fame needed to receive a reality show about you. ‘Well, he also did that sex tape with Kim Kardashian.’

Ah ha. Okay, so why did I know who Kim Kardashian was? I don’t really know. I think someone had mentioned the sex tape and explained how ridiculous it was that she was famous for that. At least Paris Hilton had been famous for being rich and then did a tape. Kim Kardashian had done the tape and then become famous. God, I’m making myself sick right now.

The point is that I know who she is and so do you. We don’t really know why we know but we do. When you hear young people say they want to be famous, not for anything, just famous, they are referencing Kim Kardashian and her “career”. She is a star because she dresses up and goes to Starbucks to gets her picture taken. What does this mean really for our culture, our society, and the future of our children? I don’t know really, it’s just late and I’m alone, so there you go.

Sam Clemmons is an accomplished journalist with the Contra Costa Business Times and is currently writing a play entitled “Life: A story of Misery and Misfortune in Three Acts”.