Making Money the Easy Way

Anna Ayala tried to give Wendy's the finger in 2005

Conversations between people in awkward social situations are often kicked off with the inevitable question of: "What do you do?". The answer is usually a bore, sometimes depressing, maybe shameful, but frankly, unless you support yourself by doing something you love, who really gives a shit?

Millions of us take whatever we can get. Those of us who don't have anything we love that can be turned into money look for a means to support ourselves that is stable and offers us a relatively high level of comfort. All the while, there are those of us who simply love money itself, while hating the hard fought pursuit of work, and we search desperately for a means to gain exceptional monetary rewards while putting in the least effort possible.

For those of us searching for the “easy” way, crime can appear appealing due to it's swift rewards and lack of any need for education or prior training. Take armed robbery: you frighten someone and they give you their money, easy. But the outside appearance of crime being effortless is misleading. To be a successful criminal one must do research, preparation, and have the proper people skills. Also, a mistake or glitch while involved in crime can lead to massive amounts of extended effort to stay alive and not incarcerated.

It seems to me that the safest, easiest, least time consuming, and most financially rewarding way of making a living in America is still suing people and organizations. A few steps into the path of an expensive car, shoving a hand in a company machine, throwing yourself down a flight of stairs; it all just takes a little courage and a lawyer. But if you lack the courage and don’t think you can sacrifice parts of your body, you'll have to get creative.

One of my favorite examples of getting easy money the creative way goes back to 2005 when Anna Ayala got her hands on the severed finger of her husband’s friend, went to Wendy’s, and stuck the digit in a cup of chilli, claiming she spooned it up and bit it during her lunch. It caused a sensation and supposedly cost Wendy’s 2.5 Million in damages but unfortunately didn’t gain Anna much except notoriety and jail time. I think if she had just been a little more subtle, like a sticking a small rodent or insect the chilli, she may have pulled it off. A human finger just brings up way too many questions and next thing you know it’s gone from a nice little lawsuit to a criminal act.

A more recent example (and may yet be successful) is Maria Waltherr-Willard, a 61 year old former teacher who saw a chance to come up without lifting a finger (severed or not) and did. She taught both French and Spanish to high-school kids in Cincinnati until 2011, when the school district decided to transfer her to a local middle school.

Maria stopped showing up to her 7th and 8th grade classes halfway through the  school year. When the matter was looked into the district received a communication from Maria’s lawyer claiming she suffered from a phobia of young children, specifically 7th and 8th graders, which caused her blood pressure to soar. She then promptly sued the school district for violating the federal American with Disabilities Act when they transferred her to the middle school, forcing contact with young children and triggering her phobia.

You may wonder why a woman who has a fear of kids would get into teaching in the first place, but as far as get rich quick schemes go, hers is one of the better ones. When asked to comment on the lawsuit, the district's superintendent simply said: "She wants money." Exactly right sir, but don't be bitter just because you have to drive your shitty car to an office everyday while Maria Waltherr-Willard is sleeping in till noon, bathing in champagne that your school district paid for, and then catching up on her reading. Don't hate on a lady just because she had a genius idea and no shame. She came up with a way to sue and it just might work. It's the American way.

01-22-13