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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Side Effects, a Review


For whatever reason, I never get as excited as I maybe should when I see the words: directed by Steven Soderbergh. Whatever Soderbergh does is interesting, except for maybe Haywire which I stopped watching halfway through and Ocean’s 12 which put me to sleep in the theater. A majority of the time his movies are always worth a peep, weather they're those A lister mainstream experiments with quirky indy moments or those quirky indy experiments with pornstars posing as actors. Regardless, I find myself thinking of his work as movies that will be just fine on DVD, there’s no reason to go to the theater because his “independent” vibe gives me the prejudicial assumption that there will be a lack of spectacle. Besides his 1991 film Kafka, that’s pretty much true.
But going to the theater and sitting through Side Effects made me reflect on Soderbergh and his filmography, especially after his recent claims that this could be his last before retiring. I really enjoyed Side Effects, it’s definitely worth a trip to the theater, and I’m glad I paid the money if only to show my appreciation for Soderbergh who, due to his insane productivity and possible oversaturation, I have taken for granted the last ten years or so.
This film, his 30th I believe, starts out as a drama about coping with depression, before shifting gears midway into what appears to be an interesting procedural, before shifting gears yet again and becoming a completely satisfying psychological thriller. It’s Hitchcockian and clever, with interesting characters and surprises that make you guess and give you goosebumps as they add up.

Jude Law is great, yeah I said it. At one point I was over Law (even though he appears with a super flawed American accent in one of my favorite films of all time I Heart Huckabees) but this is the second time in six months that he’s popped up in a movie I’m watching and I’ve enjoyed and respected his performance (the first one was Ana Karenina which everybody seemed to detest but I dug). He’s controlled and likable but is down to get a little harcore at the end and come through with a vengeance that the entire audience can appreciate.

On the other hand, Rooney Mara started to grind on me a bit. I can only look into those big blank eyes for so long before I start to get annoyed, which in this case was right at the end of the movie so, all good. She’s pretty, no doubt, but she’s so skinny and hip in that sort of Zooey Daschanel IT girl, this is how a young woman is supposed to look right now way. I don’t know, maybe it was just her haircut that was getting on my nerves, the way the bangs were cut, almost like a grown out mullet, that years from now we’ll look back on and say “that was so 2013!” I’m laying the hate on pretty thick right now, sorry.
Channing Tatum shouldn’t be listed on the poster, he probably has fifteen minutes of screen time total. That’s a warning to the ladies that are going in hopes of getting their Tatum fix, although he might have taken his shirt off, I don’t remember. Catherine Zeta-Jones is perfectly fine in her role but there’s something about her, I don’t know, I’m just not impressed. Don’t get me wrong, she’s gorgeous, there’s just something about her that bothers me and makes me think she’s a bitch in real life. Maybe it’s the fact that when I see her I think of that story Michael Douglas tells on talk shows where he was watching The Mask of Zoro on TV and asked his butler: “Who is that woman?” at which point his people got in touch with her people and they got together to mate. That’s gross.
I really can’t get into the details of Side Effect’s plot because it’s a fun ride that everyone should enjoy fresh and unspoiled. I place it up on the shelf along with all of the other Soderbergh movies that I’ve watched and enjoyed which include The Limey, Ocean’s 11, Traffic, Che Parts 1 & 2, Solaris, Out of Sight, The Good German, The Informat!, and of course the groundbreaking and mesmerizing Sex, Lies, and Videotape. But that’s just one man’s opinion.

02/10/13

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Interview With the Unborn Child of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West


We at Dublin's World are proud to present the first exclusive interview with Bottega Jesus West, the unborn child of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. While it may seem weird for us to be interviewing an unborn child, it's really no big deal.

Q: Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview.
BABY: No problem. My pleasure.
Q: So, how's life?
BABY: Well, it hasn't actually started yet but from what I can tell it's going to be great. A lot of parties and things. Award shows.
Q: How are you dealing with all the publicity? How are you holding up?
BABY: Pretty good. It can be a little taxing at times though.
Q: Like when?
BABY: Well, the paparazzi are obnoxious. They have these super long lenses and they keep trying to get shots of me by focusing up my mom's uterus.
Q: Gross.
BABY: I suppose. But I float around in embryonic fluid all day so my tolerance is high.
Q: What are your plans once you are born?
BABY: I was thinking about a career in the arts but I've had second thoughts.
Q: Why?
BABY: It's complicated. What if I was successful? What if I became well known?
Q: So?
Baby: My father wouldn't stand for it. Not to mention my mother. Can you imagine how they would react if I was to pull the spotlight from the two of them for even a second? My God. It would be cataclysmic. For me to even make an attempt at music or art would be a direct challenge to my father's ego. If I won an award he would probably bum rush the stage and embarrass the shit out of me. (Laughter)
Q: Your dad is super talented in his own right. I'm sure he would be proud.
BABY: Maybe. My mom won't be threatened unless I'm born a girl. If I'm a girl she might think I'll challenge her talents.
Q: Her talents?
BABY: Yes, her modeling and film career.
Q: Her film career?
BABY: That's right.
Q: How do you feel about that tape by the way?
BABY: The one with Uncle Ray J? It's something that exists so there's not much I can do about it at this point. People can always throw it in my face if they want to try to shame me. I better get over it right?
Q: That seems like a very mature attitude for someone so young.
BABY: Thank you. But to be fair, the tape wasn't my mom's idea, it was her agent's.
Q: Oh really.
BABY: So was I for that matter.
Q: What do you mean?
BABY: I was my mom's agent's idea too. She wasn't getting enough publicity. No one was talking about her ass as much and her relationship with my dad wasn't getting as much print as it used to. So her agent thought it best that she get impregnated to keep her profile up.
Q: Are you looking forward to being part of our world?
BABY: I am. A lot of people consider it a nasty little fucked up place but I'm looking forward to etching out my own space in it and doing the best I can. I'm too young to be bitter and cynical at this point in my life.

2/2/13

Thursday, January 24, 2013

16: Crime SuspenStory




OUR STORY SO FAR: Everything would have gone fine if the McCarthy mob hadn’t told Oscar Rayne to kill a stripper for being pregnant with Leo McCarthy’s child. Or if that stripper hadn’t been a police informant.
For the full saga go to the February 2012 folder on this blog and start with Part One of Crime SuspenStory.

Based on true events.
By the time the image disappeared on the screen Dan’s eyes had gone dry. Both he and Alex were staring into the monitor when the empty bar vanished and the screen suddenly turned a muddled black.
Dan stood and cursed, his body crying out from the shock of changing position after sitting tense for so long.

“Is it dead?” he asked the other man.
Alex didn’t answer, continueing to turn nobs and tap at the keyboard.
“Is it dead!” Dan demanded, grabbing Alex hard by the shirt.
The IT man ripped his gaze from the screen and stared up at the detective with eyes of bloody glass.
“I don’t know what happened. The signal is good,” he said.
Dan  threw himself around the van until he found the walkie talkie and put it to his mouth.
“Stop,” Alex said. “What if you compromise him?”
Dan stood still with the device at his lips. He had been ashamed when Detective O’Neil had shown up, embarrassed that he had had to call in for back up. It was just a surveillance operation after all and he should have been able to handle it. It should have been him out there, stalking the bar on foot. Claudia was his partner.
He looked from the blank screen to Alex, the shame turning to a panic and spreading through his limbs as he allowed himself to wonder what Claudia had done to reveal herself, who Rollins had talked to, how this would affect his career if things imploded?
“It’s been fifteen fucking minutes,” he said.
“But what if you call and somebody hears it? You got to give him some time.”
“We’ve given him time.”
“Not long. He could still be taking position.”
The two men stared each other down before their gazes returned to the blank monitor. There was still sound coming through the speakers, white noise, the sound of ghosts.
“She might have had to stash the purse,” Alex said.
Dan shook the walky talkie violently in his hand. “Then why didn’t we hear anything?”
“Who knows.”
Alex went back to twisting nobs, changing the frequency and timber of the static coming from the speakers. Dan watched for a moment before putting down the walky talky and coming up with his SR9c Pistol. He released the clip and checked it, the sound making Alex turn around.
“What are you doing?” the tech said.
“I can’t just sit here. My partner’s in there.”
“But we don’t know what’s going on.”
Exactly. I’m going out there and taking a look.”
“I’m calling backup.”
“You stay put,” Dan grunted as he placed the gun back in his side holster. “Keep that other walky talky on and wait for my signal. If you don’t hear anything from me or O’Neil in the next ten minutes then call the troops. And keep your eyes on the screen! If something shows up that’s definitive beep me.”
Dan slid the door open and and stepped into the night.

****

It was simple, the girl had called Leo and there really no way around that. Oscar didn’t bothered to wonder why she would have called Leo or why Leo would have wanted her dead in the first place, he just knew that he was caught in a lie and there wasn’t really anything he could say or do about it. Soon he would disappear like the Croat, and Martinez, and Joe Bailey before him.
Even with the barrel of Dick’s gun a few inches away, what kept popping into Oscar’s head was Mrs. Rodasavitch. She would never know what had become of her son and that bothered Oscar. She would come to suspect Bill was dead but there would at least be a hope that would carry on when she never knew the truth. When Oscar was gone as well no one in the world would ever really know for sure what happened to the Croat, maybe Bill’s mother deserved to know. The thought wouldn’t leave him.
Pat and O’Neil returned from the bathroom after stashing the purse they had grabbed from the side table overlooking the bar. Pat was still staggering a bit, wide eyed and sweating. He kept his eyes on Oscar and motioned towards Dick.
“That’s enough now, let’s get the gun off my boy,” he said.
“Shut your mouth Pat,” White Charlie bellowed.
The old man was posted in the corner, the beretta sitting on the table next to him. “You keep out of this and let your uncle handle it.”
Leo stood in the doorway, glaring over at the storage room where they had corralled the girls from the party.
“We need to get everybody out of here. We’ll take Oscar back to the store and see if we can work this out,” he said.
Oscar knew “work this out” probably meant torture. He had been present numerous times at the warehouse as men screamed their secrets, trying to call off the beatings and keep the icepick from their balls.
He watched Leo shift his gaze from the storage room back to him. No matter if they finally put together that Oscar had stolen the money from the Duck he was most likely dead anyway for lying. He couldn’t be trusted, and the only way out was at the bottom of the Bay. It was really too bad because a few more hours and he would have made it; a plane to Mexico or Florida or somewhere he didn’t know the name of, he hadn’t decided. He did know he shouldn’t have come to the party after dropping the girl at the bus station, he should have just headed to the Duck to collect and hit the road. It could have been simple.
Leo nodded towards the storage room again and turned towards O”Neil.
“I’m going to leave it up to you to take care of our little friend in there,” he said.
“I’ll do what I can,” the fat cop replied.
“You’ll do what needs to be done,” Leo growled. “If the situation can’t be contained then you bring her back to the store and we’ll figure out what to do with her there.”
O’Neil nodded solemnly and put a walky talky to his lips.
“Come in. Anybody there?” he muttered.
“There you are! What’s the situation?” a voice screeched back.
“Things are under control. Keep back and wait from my signal.”
“Roger,” the voice said.
O’Neil lowered the walky talky for a moment then grimaced, bringing it back to his lips.
“Where is Wheaton, over?” he said.
“He’s out there too. I’m going to to call him now, over.”
O’Neil slapped the walky talky against his leg and clenched his teeth in anger.
“Is that a cop?” Charlie asked him. “What’s he talking about?”
“We need to get everybody out of here right now,” the fat man said. Leo nodded towards Dick and Murph and then pointed towards the door.
“You got your car boyo?” Dick asked Murph. Oscar could feel the Irish man’s breath on the back of his neck.
“Yeah, one block over.”
With one on either side, Murph and Dick took Oscar by the arms, leading him towards the back door. They got into the alley and continued to the street, Dick keeping the muzzle of his gun pushed stiffly into Oscar’s ribs. If it had been anybody else in the crew Oscar might have made a move, but not with the bald Irishman. The resentful son of a bitch was just looking for a chance to shoot.
Maybe Oscar could come up with something and plead his case. He could say Vaughn had done something, said something; something that had forced Oscar to shoot him. But he had already been caught in one lie and there really wasn’t much hope. You don’t lie to your friends and you definitely don’t lie to Leo McCarthy, no matter who you are. By trying to be clever he had simply made the wrong move. Sparing that girl’s life had most likely ended his own and Oscar couldn’t help but smile.
“What in the fuck are you smiling about?” said Dick.
They were standing at the curb outside Vito’s, both men on either side of him with Oscar in the middle. Dick sunk the gun deeper into Oscar’s ribs as they watched a car glide passed and continue down the street
“You're a real fucking smart ass, you know that?” Dick whispered, his voice grinding up from a sandpaper throat.
“Don’t talk to him,” Murph said.
“Don’t you fucking tell me what to do boyo. This kid fucked us. You know that!”
“I don’t know nothing right now.”
They stepped onto the street, pulling Oscar along with them.
“You don’t know nothing?” Dick growled as they walked. “The old man wouldn’t have us jump him in there if whatn’t nothing to it now, would he?”
They stepped into the alley opposite Vito’s and Oscar could see Murph’s silver truck parked at the far end. It would be a tight squeeze in the cab, Murph driving with Oscar in the middle and Dick on his right. The Irishman would have the gun pointed the entire ride, there would be no chance to make a move or bail. Oscar had started to resign himself to his fate, excepting that he would be at the bottom of the Bay come morning. But his mind couldn’t help but keep running, searching for possibilities.
They were halfway down the alley, coming along the side of rusted old dumpster, when Oscar realized there was a man walking towards them from the street opposite. At first it was just a shadow, then the man stepped into the light and Oscar could see him clearly. He didn’t know the man, he had never seen him before in his life, but there was something about him, the clothes he wore and the way he walked. The man was a cop.
Fuck,” he heard Murph whisper next to him.
The man slowed down and began to raise his left hand, his right reaching into his jacket.
“Hey fellas,” the man said. “Do you happen to know-”
The blast of Murph’s gun was deafening as it discharged right next to Oscar’s head. The shot missed as the man swung around, turning a full three sixty with the edge of his coat flying wild. His hand came from his jacket with a gun extended, squeezing and letting off a shot that popped the top of Murph’s skull off and spattered Oscar’s face with blood.
The roars from Dick’s three fifty seven were even louder, both shots reverberating off the walls of the alley in deafening repetition, one after the other. The first caught Dan in his shoulder, the second his chest, sending him flying back against the wall of the alley with a cloud of feathers from his down jacket following like the tail of a comet.
The shots were still ringing when Oscar pivoted and grabbed Dick by both shoulders. He pushed back, back, and could feel the Irishman’s breath burst from his lungs when they hit the metal dumpster with a clang. Oscar didn’t look to see if Dick still gripped the gun, the fear and adrenalin had him cocking back and throwing his fist hard into the Irishman’s face.
Dick flew, his back slapping against the cement. Oscar scanned the ground around the dumpster and snatched a loose board from a crushed wooden pallet. Dick was pushing himself up from pavement, almost to his knees, then Oscar caught him behind the ear with the wood. A blow across the face with the second swing, and then the back of the skull with the third and fourth. When the Irishman stopped moving Oscar dropped the wood, replaced it with the gun from the floor of the alley, and began running towards the street opposite.
When he got to the mouth of the alley he spotted a parked car with it’s lights on a half a block down. He raced towards it, tasting some of Murph’s blood in his mouth, cold and salty.
He watched a young man get out of the car, bending over and retrieving a bag from the back seat. The man didn’t notice anyone approaching, then he turned and found Oscar coming at him him full speed, blood streaked with a gun in his hand.
The man froze, unable to decide whether to run or get back into the car. At the last moment he went to flee, beginning to step backwards but Oscar came down on him, smashing the butt of the gun into the young man’s face. He yanked the keys up off the pavement, then got in the car and tore away, leaving the man sprawled out on Capp Street.
There was a sweatshirt lying among empty packs of cigarettes at the foot of the passenger seat. Oscar yanked it up, peering into the rearview, wiping the blood spray from his face. He didn’t have time to hope or celebrate or grieve for Murph, his friend of fifteen years. All he knew was that he wasn’t leaving without that money.

Part 17 of Crime SusepenStory will be posted February 21st @ 8pm.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Making Money the Easy Way

Anna Ayala tried to give Wendy's the finger in 2005

Conversations between people in awkward social situations are often kicked off with the inevitable question of: "What do you do?". The answer is usually a bore, sometimes depressing, maybe shameful, but frankly, unless you support yourself by doing something you love, who really gives a shit?

Millions of us take whatever we can get. Those of us who don't have anything we love that can be turned into money look for a means to support ourselves that is stable and offers us a relatively high level of comfort. All the while, there are those of us who simply love money itself, while hating the hard fought pursuit of work, and we search desperately for a means to gain exceptional monetary rewards while putting in the least effort possible.
For those of us searching for the “easy” way, crime can appear appealing due to it's swift rewards and lack of any need for education or prior training. Take armed robbery: you frighten someone and they give you their money, easy. But the outside appearance of crime being effortless is misleading. To be a successful criminal one must do research, preparation, and have the proper people skills. Also, a mistake or glitch while involved in crime can lead to massive amounts of extended effort to stay alive and not incarcerated.
It seems to me that the safest, easiest, least time consuming, and most financially rewarding way of making a living in America is still suing people and organizations. A few steps into the path of an expensive car, shoving a hand in a company machine, throwing yourself down a flight of stairs; it all just takes a little courage and a lawyer. But if you lack the courage and don’t think you can sacrifice parts of your body, you'll have to get creative.
One of my favorite examples of getting easy money the creative way goes back to 2005 when Anna Ayala got her hands on the severed finger of her husband’s friend, went to Wendy’s, and stuck the digit in a cup of chilli, claiming she spooned it up and bit it during her lunch. It caused a sensation and supposedly cost Wendy’s 2.5 Million in damages but unfortunately didn’t gain Anna much except notoriety and jail time. I think if she had just been a little more subtle, like a sticking a small rodent or insect the chilli, she may have pulled it off. A human finger just brings up way too many questions and next thing you know it’s gone from a nice little lawsuit to a criminal act.
A more recent example (and may yet be successful) is Maria Waltherr-Willard, a 61 year old former teacher who saw a chance to come up without lifting a finger (severed or not) and did. She taught both French and Spanish to high-school kids in Cincinnati until 2011, when the school district decided to transfer her to a local middle school.
Maria stopped showing up to her 7th and 8th grade classes halfway through the  school year. When the matter was looked into the district received a communication from Maria’s lawyer claiming she suffered from a phobia of young children, specifically 7th and 8th graders, which caused her blood pressure to soar. She then promptly sued the school district for violating the federal American with Disabilities Act when they transferred her to the middle school, forcing contact with young children and triggering her phobia.
You may wonder why a woman who has a fear of kids would get into teaching in the first place, but as far as get rich quick schemes go, hers is one of the better ones. When asked to comment on the lawsuit, the district's superintendent simply said: "She wants money." Exactly right sir, but don't be bitter just because you have to drive your shitty car to an office everyday while Maria Waltherr-Willard is sleeping in till noon, bathing in champagne that your school district paid for, and then catching up on her reading. Don't hate on a lady just because she had a genius idea and no shame. She came up with a way to sue and it just might work. It's the American way.

01-22-13