Dinner for Schmucks

Furlough Film # 7
(Every furlough day Dublin and Robert Fong get together to view a film and have a discussion about it. This time Bob Fong's neighbor Paul joined them as well. The following is a transcript of that discussion.)

D: So we've given you the choice Paul and this is what you've brought?
P: You guys haven't seen it right?
D: Nope.
R: Uh uh. We never watch comedies.
P: Great.

(They play the movie)

P: Paul Rudd is really funny.

(About 12 minutes into the movie)

R: Okay. That's enough.
D: Yeah.
P: What?
R: I've seen enough. Turn it off.
D: Yeah, this is not good.

(They stop the DVD)

R: What a piece of shit.
P: It wasn't that bad.
D: It wasn't good.
R: It made my hair hurt.
D: The only good thing I saw was Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords.
P: Paul Rudd is funny though.
D: Not in that.
P: Steve Carell is super funny.
R: You can't tell from that piece of s__t. This is why we don't watch comedies. They suck a__.
D: They didn't always suck. There was a time when comedies were good.
P: We didn't even give it a chance. I think we should finish it.
D: No, we saw enough. It was off. The rhythm was off. You know what I mean?
R: You got to have likable characters in a comedy and nobody was likable in that story.
P: How do you know? They may have become likable towards the end.
D: Paul, if it didn't work out you wouldn't want us both resenting you for wasting our time.
R: Okay, look at the Paul Rudd character. His main motivation is to be a big shot in an advertising company. But who gives a s__t?
D: This thing was directed by Jay Roach. What did he do?
P: "Meet The Parents"!
D: Did he do the sequels?
P: No! You guys just hate comedy.
D: No we don't.
P: Name one comedy you like.
R: "Bad Santa".
P: Besides "Bad Santa".
D: Ammmmmm....
R: "Blazing Saddles"!
P: Another!
R: "Young Frankenstein".
P: Something Mel Brooks didn't do?
D: "The Man With Two Brains".
P: Something after 2000?
D: You know it's funny, but there are not a lot of big screen comedies that I'm feeling in the modern era.
P: What do you mean?
R: He means that TV is ruling comedy.
P: Like what?
D: The British "Office".
P: You don't like the American office?
D: Haven't seen it.
R: "Arrested Development".
P: That's genius though.
D: Yep.
R: "Community" is f__king great. 30 Rock too.
D: True.
P: But what was wrong with what we were watching?
D: Too obvious.
P: That's actually based on a European thing by the way.
R: I liked "Role Models". That had Paul Rudd.
P: Good. How about "Super Bad"?
D: No. Not good.
P: What?
R: Jonah Hill is a bitch. He's so annoying.
D: I wouldn't call him a bitch, but yes. I don't care for him.
P: "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"?
D: I liked that.
R: I didn't. Annoying.
P: Bob, you are what is called a hater.
R: I am not a hater. My favorite s__t is Airplane. You can't hate on that.
P: It's very dated.
D: I've never seen you so worked up Paul. It's just a movie.
P: I think we should finish it.
R: Uh uh. That's wasted time. No way.
D: Yeah. Not this time.
P: But we didn't even see what Steve Carell was going to do!
R: We saw him for a few minutes.
P: Exactly.
R: It was painful. The poor bastard was drowning.
P: What do you mean?
D: I think he means that the director and the writer and everybody else had no idea what a schmuck was so Steve Carell was just left to his own devices, struggling to create some sort of character out of just playing a jack a__.
R: It's true. It was sad to watch.
D: The whole thing about Steve Carell is his natural likability. He can play a jack a__ but he's got to be likable. They made a huge mistake and made him unlikable.
P: I see what you mean. But what is a schmuck any way?
R: A foolish or contemptible person. So says my phone.
D: Maybe he nailed it.
R: Steve Carell is a whore. For every "Little Miss Sunshine" there are of eight of these s__tty things
D: Sad but true.
P: You can't hate the man for taking advantage of a flare in popularity.
R: Sure I can. Don't tell me what to do.
D: I'm sorry it didn't work out with your movie Paul. We'll give it a month and you can bring another one in.
R: At least it wasn't "Ghost".

Taken from a transcription by Peggy Menchstone on 12/8/11